“I have become fascinated and obsessed with understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and successfully overcoming this highly stigmatized mental disorder. Being diagnosed, I sometimes fear I will forever be a prisoner of my own emotions, but today I have made a promise to master this beast, dissecting its very being, and getting to its core. I will learn what makes it tick. What give it strength and what makes it weak. No longer will I be a puppet strung by my emotions. I will be an orchestrated masterpiece. A Beethoven of my time. I will be mindful and current. I will be assertive and empathetic. I will spread light in every dark corner until the shadows can no longer be ignored. I am the captain of my ship, sailing the seas of the unknown. Battling storms trying to stay afloat and I am not the only one. I shall cut the anchors beneath their feet and cast them a line and steer them through the storms to come. No longer shall you float these waters alone. Together we shall spread awareness and weather the storm. I am capable. I am worthy. I. AM. BORDERLINE.” – Jae Marie
All my life I’ve always felt like I was different from everybody else. Not different in a special way. Different in way I could not quite put my finger on. I never seemed to see things the way others saw them. I never seemed to react to things the same way others reacted. I believed in things that other people couldn’t even begin to fathom. I was living a life in fear, misery, and anguish, and yet I had no idea.
Now I know what you’re thinking (or at least I think I do). “Everyone sees things differently.” “Everyone reacts to things differently.” “How can you of felt all those things and yet have NO IDEA?” “Get over it.” “So does everybody else.” “Stop being so dramatic.” “It’s all in your head.” I could go on and on but I think you get the point.
The knowledge that everyone is different is not foreign to me. I understand that. However what was foreign to me then, and what is foreign to many of us today, is too what level of “different” is “normal”, at least by the definition of what different and normal is to society.
So what is “normal”. Normal is being nervous before an interview. Normal is grieving at the lost of a loved one. Normal is worrying when the thing you love the most is slipping out of your hands. So what makes me different? Not society’s definition of different, but what makes me different that I believed I was “not normal”?
I was not normal because I would get so nervous before an interview that I would develop severe anxiety. I’d start to shake, I’d start to sweat, and then fear would take over. Fear that I will be judged. Fear that the person interviewing me would attempt to hurt me (not physically, but mentally and emotionally). I was not normal because at the lost of a loved one I would not grieve, I would blame. Their deaths were my fault, and I burdened myself sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide. I was not normal because I worried about losing things I have not yet received or was at no risk of losing. I’d imagine abandonment, believe it, and react on a made up notion.
So what makes me different you ask? I have Borderline Personality Disorder, only I did not come to find this out until the early months of this year. Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as BPD, is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.
“Your Mental Disorder/Illness is not an excuse.”
Having a mental disorder or a mental illness is not an excuse. It is also not a definition but rather an explanation. So what is the big deal? Why can’t I just get over it? To better understand BPD, American psychologist and author, Marsha M. Linehan, compares BPD sufferers to third degree burn victims.
“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” – Marsha M. Linehan
Marsha M. Linehan is also the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. DBT is a type psychotherapy that focuses on concepts such as acceptance and mindfulness in combination with behavioral science. It is the only known proven therapy to help those suffering with BPD.
I began my DBT therapy about 2 months ago, and it has been both a tough and rewarding journey so far. The therapy is a year-long commitment consisting of weekly sessions lasting approximately 45 minutes. Not all DBT therapy’s are the same. Many of the therapies consist of multiple weekly sessions, including 2 hour one on one sessions and 2 hour group therapy sessions. They do not offer extended or group sessions in my area, so we came up with a plan that works for me. Your counselor and/or therapist will come up with a plan that will better suite your needs based on your own personal experiences and symptoms.
I know how hard and scary it can be to start or do something you have never done, or don’t know what to expect, especially when you have BPD. I created this blog to share my personal experience living with this disorder and to share my DBT therapy experience. This will help you have an idea of what to expect if you do decide to participate in this type of therapy, however keep in mind that everyone’s experience might be different, and the activities and worksheets will be accustomed to your needs.
My mission is to beat the stigma associated with BPD and other mental illnesses/disorders. I want to spread awareness by sharing my own personal experiences to help others better understand this disorder and how it affects myself and other people’s lives. I also want to create a support group and community for people with mental illnesses and disorders to have as a resource and tool to use throughout their recovery. The road to recovery is hard enough, you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.
You may also connect with me on my social media pages. I post pictures, tweets, and vlogs about Mental Health.
SnapChat: JaeMarie92
And Remember…
You are not alone
You are not a bother
YOU MATTER
Mental Lifestyle Advocates 