I AM BORDERLINE

“I have become fascinated and obsessed with understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and successfully overcoming this highly stigmatized mental disorder. Being diagnosed, I sometimes fear I will forever be a prisoner of my own emotions, but today I have made a promise to master this beast, dissecting its very being, and getting to its core. I will learn what makes it tick. What give it strength and what makes it weak. No longer will I be a puppet strung by my emotions. I will be an orchestrated masterpiece. A Beethoven of my time. I will be mindful and current. I will be assertive and empathetic. I will spread light in every dark corner until the shadows can no longer be ignored. I am the captain of my ship, sailing the seas of the unknown. Battling storms trying to stay afloat and I am not the only one. I shall cut the anchors beneath their feet and cast them a line and steer them through the storms to come. No longer shall you float these waters alone. Together we shall spread awareness and weather the storm. I am capable. I am worthy. I. AM. BORDERLINE.” – Jae Marie

All my life I’ve always felt like I was different from everybody else. Not different in a special way. Different in way I could not quite put my finger on. I never seemed to see things the way others saw them. I never seemed to react to things the same way others reacted. I believed in things that other people couldn’t even begin to fathom. I was living a life in fear, misery, and anguish, and yet I had no idea.

Now I know what you’re thinking (or at least I think I do). “Everyone sees things differently.” “Everyone reacts to things differently.” “How can you of felt all those things and yet have NO IDEA?” “Get over it.” “So does everybody else.” “Stop being so dramatic.” “It’s all in your head.” I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

The knowledge that everyone is different is not foreign to me. I understand that. However what was foreign to me then, and what is foreign to many of us today, is too what level of “different” is “normal”, at least by the definition of what different and normal is to society.

So what is “normal”. Normal is being nervous before an interview. Normal is grieving at the lost of a loved one. Normal is worrying when the thing you love the most is slipping out of your hands. So what makes me different? Not society’s definition of different, but what makes me different that I believed I was “not normal”?

I was not normal because I would get so nervous before an interview that I would develop severe anxiety. I’d start to shake, I’d start to sweat, and then fear would take over. Fear that I will be judged. Fear that the person interviewing me would attempt to hurt me (not physically, but mentally and emotionally). I was not normal because at the lost of a loved one I would not grieve, I would blame. Their deaths were my fault, and I burdened myself sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide. I was not normal because I worried about losing things I have not yet received or was at no risk of losing. I’d imagine abandonment, believe it, and react on a made up notion.

So what makes me different you ask? I have Borderline Personality Disorder, only I did not come to find this out until the early months of this year. Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as BPD, is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

“Your Mental Disorder/Illness is not an excuse.”

Having a mental disorder or a mental illness is not an excuse. It is also not a definition but rather an explanation. So what is the big deal? Why can’t I just get over it? To better understand BPD, American psychologist and author, Marsha M. Linehan, compares BPD sufferers to third degree burn victims.

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” – Marsha M. Linehan

Marsha M. Linehan is also the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. DBT is a type psychotherapy that focuses on concepts such as acceptance and mindfulness in combination with behavioral science. It is the only known proven therapy to help those suffering with BPD.

I began my DBT therapy about 2 months ago, and it has been both a tough and rewarding journey so far. The therapy is a year-long commitment consisting of weekly sessions lasting approximately 45 minutes. Not all DBT therapy’s are the same. Many of the therapies consist of multiple weekly sessions, including 2 hour one on one sessions and 2 hour group therapy sessions. They do not offer extended or group sessions in my area, so we came up with a plan that works for me. Your counselor and/or therapist will come up with a plan that will better suite your needs based on your own personal experiences and symptoms.

I know how hard and scary it can be to start or do something you have never done, or don’t know what to expect, especially when you have BPD. I created this blog to share my personal experience living with this disorder and to share my DBT therapy experience. This will help you have an idea of what to expect if you do decide to participate in this type of therapy, however keep in mind that everyone’s experience might be different, and the activities and worksheets will be accustomed to your needs.

My mission is to beat the stigma associated with BPD and other mental illnesses/disorders. I want to spread awareness by sharing my own personal experiences to help others better understand this disorder and how it affects myself and other people’s lives. I also want to create a support group and community for people with mental illnesses and disorders to have as a resource and tool to use throughout their recovery. The road to recovery is hard enough, you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.

You may also connect with me on my social media pages. I post pictures, tweets, and vlogs about Mental Health.

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SnapChat: JaeMarie92

And Remember…

You are not alone

You are not a bother

YOU MATTER

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WELLBUTRIN XL

2 Week Update

As I mentioned in my previous blog “Anti-Depressants”, I decided to start Wellbutrin XL about 2 weeks ago due to my previous anti-depressant being too costly. I was started with 150mg of Wellbutrin XL, and had about 5 pills of my Viibryd left and so began the transition.

Whenever you start a new anti-depressant, they usually start to wean you off of your old one while introducing your body to the new one. I was instructed to take Wellbutrin every day and take the Viibryd once every other day for a week. On the second week I was to take the Viibryd every 3^rd day. I only had about 5 pills left so she told me just to follow these instructions until my Viibryd was finished.

The first day I took Wellbutrin (without the Viibryd) I felt antsy. I could not stay still and kept pacing back and forth. It was like a sudden boost of motivation that I have never really experienced before. It motivated me so much that I started to get things done that I had put off for a long time.

By night however, my anxiety started to spike. I was way too amped up and so started the insomnia. The first few days I could barely fall asleep no matter how tired I was. Whenever I’d start to fall asleep my body would jump and cause me to wake up. My heart was racing and I kept having heart palpitations.

After about the 3^rd day, the suicidal ideation began. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, and I have always known that anti-depressants are known for causing suicidal thoughts, but I never knew just how bad they could get. I started to really plan things out and convince myself why that would be the right thing to do. I felt so hopeless. I knew deep down I didn’t really want to do, but I started to see a reason for it in everything and I couldn’t seem to escape.

One day the thoughts were so bad I just stayed in bed most of the day and slept because I couldn’t stand the thoughts in my head and I started to get scared. I was afraid of losing myself and doing something I know I’d regret. I spoke to my friends and family about it and then eventually called my pharmacy and psychiatrist, which were little to no help. I had still been weaning myself off of the Viibryd, but decided to just stop the Viibryd all together in hopes that the suicidal thoughts would subside, and they did (This was about 1 week in).

Although the thoughts had subsided I still do not feel quite like myself. I have been very emotional and sensitive to everything. I keep snapping at people and taking things out of context and when I don’t feel emotional I just feel blah.  It has also curved my appetite causing me to lose 10llbs in just 2 weeks. I’ve been eating, just not as much. I no longer feel the need to binge eat when I feel down or when I’m bored, which has been a huge plus. Some other side effects I experienced were: stinging eyes, seeing white spots and black shadows, and light nausea.

Sometimes anti-depressants take time to kick in, and I do believe that taking both the Wellbutrin and Viibryd was what was causing me to have all those side effects. Today I met with my psychiatrist and after a long discussion we decided to continue the Wellbutrin XL 150mg for 4 more weeks and see how I feel. If things do not get better, then I will try a lower dose of Wellbutrin (75mg) that is not the extended release (XL) version and see if that works better.

Everybody is different so I can’t say that Wellbutrin will be right or wrong for you, I can only speak on my experience. It has been a roller coaster and there were some scary moments, but I toughed it out and have hope that things will get better. I will be meeting with my psychiatrist in 4 weeks and will keep you guys up to date on whether I will continue with the XL version or lower the dosage.

When Emotions Take Over

Is what you are feeling valid or is it all in your head?

I think we’ve all been there. Whether you suffer from a Mental Illness/Disorder or not, we have all at one point been told what we are feeling is wrong. So could that be true? Could you really be wrong for what you are feeling? Now this is just an opinion, but in my opinion, you can NEVER be wrong for how you feel, BUT what made you feel that way may not be the way you perceived it.

Let me explain a little further. Between dealing with my BPD, major depression, and anxiety disorder, every day is a constant struggle for me. I constantly put myself down and the only way I seem to be able to feel better is by venting. I only have a select few people that I speak to, so they are always the target of my never ending emotional rants.

One day I was talking to one of these special select few friends and they were talking about their day at work. They were very frustrated with their co-workers and their constant daily complaining at work. During his vent he happened to say “I have people bitching and complaining to everyday. I don’t want to have to deal with it at work either.” Anger, sadness, and shame instantly took over. For a minute I felt like he was indirectly throwing a blow at me. I am always complaining about my life to him on a daily basis. So when he said “I have people bitching and complaining to me everyday” I automatically assumed the “people” he was referring to was me.  I started to put myself down for being such a “bother” to everyone.

Then I took a minute and started to remember and use the mindfulness skills I have been learning during my therapy sessions. I realized that was not what he meant at all. He was simply venting to me. I guess you could say it was a poor choice of words, however I am understanding to the fact that people cannot and should not have to constantly walk on egg shells to make sure they don’t “trigger” me.

So was the anger, sadness, and shame I was feeling wrong? Of course not! I was feeling it! There is no doubt about that, however what caused me to feel that way was not valid. Me thinking that I was a bother to him and that he was indirectly throwing a blow at me WAS NOT VALID.

I was proud that I was able to recognize and asses what was really going on and use my skills to overcome my emotions and be more in tuned with my “wise mind”. However, I can’t say this is always the case. There are countless amount of times where I have let my emotions take complete control over me and blind me to the reality of the situation.  It takes practice to master the skill of mindfulness, especially when you have lived your whole life giving into your emotions. It’s like having to retrain your brain all over again.

Don’t be ashamed if you sometimes you fall into the trap of your own emotions. It is all a part of the process. The more you practice the more you will be aware of your feelings and the situation you are in. So remember, you are NEVER wrong for how you feel, but what made you feel that way, may not be the way you perceived it.

When it doubt, talk it out!

Anti-depressants

Why I’m on it and Are they worth it?

There is a lot of controversy when it comes to antidepressants. Many people are against these drugs because they believe it makes the user dependent and unable to function without the drug. Not to mention the series of side effects that come with almost all antidepressants. Weight gain, mood swings, insomnia, malaise, and suicidal ideation are enough to have people run from these brain stimulating drugs. So why would anyone think of taking such a drug that can cause all these side effects.?

I can only speak for myself, but I can truly say that anti-depressants have been a life saver for me. Did I suffer from side effects? YES, I DID. As a matter of fact, I have been experiencing and struggling with some of the side effects caused by anti-depressants the last couple of days. I recently decided to switch anti-depressants, but we will get into that in just a minute.

To help you better understand just how much my anti-depressant helped me, I must first discuss WHY I decided to be put on one in the first place. As I have mentioned in my previous post, although just recently diagnosed, depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder (BPD) have been something I have been dealing with all my life. I always knew something was wrong but I always seemed to “manage”.

It wasn’t until fall of 2016 that things really started to spiral out of control. Not only had I been dealing with my illness and disorder, I had been under a great deal of stress at work, and had been dealing with the news that my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia. It seemed to be one thing after the other. I couldn’t seem to catch a break.
Racing thoughts haunted my mind. I wasn’t hearing “voices” per say, because they were my own. However, it was a nonstop overlap of negative and suicidal thoughts talking over one another. It was like a million people talking all at once in my head. Some parts would pity my life and express despair, another part was trying to soothe me, telling me I will be okay, and the other, telling me I should kill myself. All of this happening at the same damn time.

I started to believe I was going nuts. I noticed I spent hours in a state of dissociation and no matter how hard I tried to prevent it I couldn’t seem to stop it. Half the time I was completely freaking out and hating my life, while the other half I was trapped in my mind, dreaming of a life I wish I had. I realized, slowly but surely, I was starting to lose myself.

I struggled for a long time trying to make a decision of whether I should seek treatment or not. I was scared of being labeled as crazy and being locked up. I was worried about whether I would be able to handle the medications or not. I was afraid I would react badly and go completely bat shit insane. I went through all of the thoughts you can think of, but I realized I had to do something to save my life.

Scared and all I made the decision and sought a psychiatrist. Of course she gave me the big speech of how great anti-depressants help, how everyone is on one, and how it’s a big part of recovery, yada yada yada. You get the drift. I remember just sitting there staring at her, not knowing what to say, what to ask, what to think. I felt like my life was in her hands and I had no idea what she was talking about or if I could really trust her or if she was just one of those nightmare doctors everyone talks about that just tries to keep you medicated and could care less about your problems.

After asking me a few generic questions about what I’ve been “feeling” and giving me the big anti-depressant speech, she suggested I start on Prozac. I had heard SO MANY nightmares about this medication that I knew better than to say okay. I told her I had heard about it and did not feel comfortable taking it. I also told her what I was looking for in an anti-depressant. My main concern was weight gain and suicidal ideation.
That’s when she told me about Viibryd. Now, no doctor can guarantee that you will not experience any of the listed side effects, including suicide ideation, however she did tell me that it is one of the “Weight neutral” anti-depressants. Viibryd is fairly new first being released in 2011 and does not have a generic form. It is considered a third tier drug and is more expensive than most anti-depressants, although they do offer a “pay no more than $10” Viibryd card, it sometimes only ends up knocking off $100 depending on the dosage. You may even have a tough time having your insurance company approve the medication, but I decided to give it a try.

When I first started Viibryd I immediately started to feel side effects. I had nausea, was dizzy, sleepy, moody, jumpy and twitchy. I started 10mg for the first week, then was bumped up to 20mg the second. When I started the 20mg dosage, I began to notice I was having a lot of muscle twitching. It was enough to keep me awake and jumping out of bed. I called my pharmacist right away afraid I was suffering from serotonin syndrome, which is considered a SERIOUS side effect or Viibryd, and they told me to stop immediately and not continue until I met with my psychiatrist again.

When I met with her, I told her what was going on and she assured me I had nothing to worry about. She said I was not the only one who had had a reaction like that when put on the 20mg dosage and lowered it to 15mg. Now here is where things started to get complicated. Viibryd comes in 3 doses: 10mg, 20mg, and 40mg. In order for me to take 15mg I had to cut a 10mg tab in half requiring me to have to have 45 pills for a 30-day period. Well let me tell you, trying to get your pharmacy (or maybe it was just mine) to give you more than 30 pills for a 30-day period is just a nightmare. I was constantly battling between my insurance company and pharmacy. My insurance company would say they would approve the 45 pills however the pharmacy kept saying they wouldn’t. I even had a girl from the insurance company call my pharmacy directly but no budge, so I decided to just stick with taking 10mg and it worked just fine for me.

I absolutely loved Viibryd and took it for about 6 months before I changed to Wellbutrin. So why did I decide to change? Well, although the Viibryd worked very, very, well for me, it does not make your depression go away, it helps MANAGE it. I was still dealing with so much, and after having both my childhood dog I had since I was 7 and my cat I got for my 18th birthday, die within 1 month of each other, I completely broke down, had a horrible episode at work, and quit. Since I quit my job I no longer have insurance and Viibryd is a VERY expensive medication.

To give you an idea, I had the core plan from BCBS of Alabama. With my insurance, when I was taking the 20mg dosage, the price of the medication was $185. Yes, that is WITH INSURANCE. After applying the “Pay no more than $10 card” it bumped it down to $80 (still pretty expensive). When I decided to stick to the 10mg the card worked and I paid no more than $10, which was great! Now WITHOUT INSURANCE. The medication is $385 and with the card $285. EXPENSIVE AS HELL. So as much as I LOVED this medication and wish I didn’t have to change it I just simply cannot afford it.

Now for Wellbutrin. Let’s start with the price. Again I still do not have insurance, making this medication $96, however my local pharmacy was able to give me a special discount making it only $27 for me which is awesome and very affordable. As for the side effects, to this day, I have only been taking Wellbutrin for 4 days and it has been a NIGHTMARE. I have experienced every single side effect listed. Now I am still taking Viibryd as well on and off because I have to wean myself off of it before completely stopping and solely taking Wellbutrin, so I don’t know if that has something to do with it. I have a follow up appointment with my psych in 2 weeks and have been debating whether to call her and stop the Wellbutrin, or tough it out. Many times they end up telling you just that, you have to tough it out before your body gets used to it, so I am going to try it out a few more days and will keep you all up to date.

The current side effects I have been experiencing are fatigue, anxiety, vision problems, heart palpitations, agitation, crying spells, loss of appetite, weight loss, and have had one episode of suicide ideation after experiencing a trigger. Wellbutrin seems to make me very tired when I first take it, then gives me a huge boost of energy and motivation which I enjoy, but then gives me a sudden crash at night where I feel jittery and anxious like I just can’t stay still. I also took my blood pressure and had a pulse rate of 97 today. I woke up feeling completely horrible but as of right now I feel okay. I will continue to monitor and document my symptoms to give you guys a better idea of what to experience but remember everyone is different! Hopefully this is just an adjustment phase and I can continue taking this and have it help me as much as Viibryd did.
So to answer your question, are anti-depressants worth it? In my opinion yes. I have benefited greatly from my anti-depressant, and although it does not cure your depression, it definitely helps you manage your symptoms. Again, whether the anti-depressant will be beneficial for you or not will depend on your disorder, illness, and symptoms. If you think it may help talk to your primary physician or psychiatrist about it and see what options they have.

And don’t forget, if you truly do not want to take an anti-depressant, there are other natural ways you can help manage your depression (speak with your pharmacist or doctor). Once again I will keep you all updated on any other symptoms I may experience with my new anti-depressant.

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Thanks for reading!